TitsBitches

Theatre in Los Angeles, Bitches...

2006-05-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

One of my biggest pet peeves: People who say theatre in Los Angeles sucks.

You know what? YOU suck.

Lately, however, I've been able to chalk it up to a certain naivete on the subject. I mean, how often is it people in this town (or any town, for that matter) will choose the theatre over a night of bar hopping, clubbing or a dinner and a movie. Not very often, in my estimation. Therefore, the times we DO attend are when we absolutely HAVE to... call it an obligation. Whether it's an obligation to attend because of work, a friend that's in the show, or because of a review, that's usually how the seats are filled. Bad reasons to attend? No, not really... but how often is a night at the theatre spurred-on by someone suggesting, out of the blue, or pre-planning when a show comes out?

Very rarely, then, will we have the opportunity to see really good theatre. Think of the last 5 movies you saw in the past 4 weeks. Now, let's say you really enjoyed 3 of the 5, thought 1 was mediocre and the other was horrible. If you went to 1 theatre performance every 4 weeks and it is mediocre or horrible, chances are you wouldn't attend anymore. To judge an entire medium of entertainment in one location (Los Angeles) on the few bad experiences you've had, not because you are going out and seeking great performances, but because of your obligations, is not fair and is downright snobbish.

That being said, a good portion of the theatre in this town is Equity Waiver, a special agreement the theatre company makes with Actor's Equity in which the seats cannot exceed 99 in the house and the actors work for reduced salaries. What a lot of productions have done is used this great contract to make shows that "showcase" their performers, rather than performing the piece for the audience. It's masterbatory and the majority of the time, it sucks shit. Any form of entertainment that is produced purely for selfish reasons and does not allow the audience to interact on some level is a failure. Period. We've all seen it in the movies, on tv, and yes, in the theatre. What I encourage each and every one of us to do (yes, myself included) is to become more aware of what Los Angeles theatre has to offer. The only way we can do that is to be familiar with our surroundings and the people who are leading the charge of good theatre.

We all, for the most part, know about the biggies. I speak, of course, about The Ahmanson, The Geffen, The Hollywood Bowl or the Falcon Theatre. There are alternative theatres that produce just as good of shows for a fraction of the price. When was the last time you saw an award winning performance at The Colony Theatre in downtown Burbank? Or went to see some extremely theatrical pieces at The Actor's Gang in Culver City? Have you visited the piece of art that is the Boston Court? And those theatre experiences couldn't be possible without the visionaries who have staged them including Jessica Kubzansky, Edgar Landa, Tracy Young, Michael Michetti or Garry Marshall.

Yes, I've seen some bad theatre here in LA. But for a city that boasts MORE THEATRE THAN NEW YORK CITY, I guarantee you haven't been looking in the right places if you think theatre here sucks. Do yourself a favor: save up a few extra dollars, skip your friend's "it's a show, but more like a showcase" and take in a REAL performance somewhere else.

LA Stage Alliance is a good resource for finding 1/2 price tickets and what's hot in theatre right now. LaPlayz.com is another good resource for finding cheap seats and good theatre.

And since you've all been such good readers, here are some clips to get you through your Rally of a Day. And yes, that is a picture of me in one of the worst shows to ever come out of Los Angeles. But I got paid out the ying-yang.

Pound Ice

Best. Game. Ever.

Stephen Colbert addresses Bush

AWK-WARD! Bush is right there in the room... wowie-zowie.

No Arms, No Legs

Hey Daily Planet: Talk about a hero... check out this bitch!

One Red Paperclip

It's unreal... you've GOT to check out this blog and what this kid has done. Here's another HERO STORY for you, Daily Planet.

Pirate Baby

Don't want to say too much here. Please stick with it... so worth the ending. Not too much fun unless you are a video game fan.

X-Men 3 Scene from Leno

Unfortunate proof that BR sucks. Hope the effects and dialogue get better than this...

2006-04-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Day 6 of 8 on the Master Cleanse by Stanley Burroughs. I thought it would be obnoxious (and otherwise entirely boring) to keep a journal of my experience whilst on the cleanse. So I come to you, LIVE ON AIR, on what I consider to be the "hump day" of my experiment with a healthier outlook on life. The experience has been a tough one, but with supportive friends like mine (with the exception of a certain someone who has done the cleanse before and loves to taunt, and the occasional "Want some? Oops, I forgot"), it's been a walk in the park. The food cravings come and go, but one thing is certain; I've realized that, without a doubt, I have very unhealthy eating habits and horrendous addictions to certain types of food. But I feel like I am finally in charge of my cravings and have a better understanding of how to eat the right way. That being said, come Thursday morning when the liquid diet goes away and the real world begins to creep back into my life, what will I do to answer the call of nature (ie. pastas, candy and more pasta)? I think I've found the solution, but I want to make sure it is the real thing before I start blogging about it here. So give TT a little bit of time... I hope to introduce some fun, new, interesting ways of eating to the group at large. Maybe you'll soon find yourself with an invitation to come over and taste the cuisine (if everything goes according to plan!). Clip it, bitches.

Custom Simpsons Action Figures!

Okay, these are pretty damn stupendous.

Ghetto Bungee

They got what they deserved.

Foam Test

Was only a 15 second test... Oops.

PEEPS Art

This man is my new hero.

SOoooo Tits

2006-04-13T13:00:00.000-07:00

I cannot begin to tell you how ECSTATIC I am about tonight's episode of Without A Trace. A good friend of mine wrote the episode and we are having a small gathering in his honor. Check this out:

-----------------------------------------
Thursday, April 13, 10PM ET/PT
"Expectations"
The team searches for an HIV positive pregnant woman who vanished moments after she and her husband saw the ultra-sound of their healthy 8 1⁄2-month-old fetus. Tony Award winner and Grammy Award nominee Betty Buckley ("Cats," "Oz," "Eight Is Enough") guest stars as the missing woman's mother.
-----------------------------------------

Sounds riveting, huh? Between friends
a. booking roles on television series
b. creating entire ad campaigns
c. becoming best selling authors
d. landing national commercials and now
e. writing episodes of hit tv series
I've got some cathing up to do! Our friends over at The Daily Planet bring this point home in today's edition. Regardless, you done us proud, Rapp. We can't wait to celebrate with you tonight and MANY MANY MANY more Thursdays to come.

Well, this is my Friday since we have the long weekend for these wonderful Jewish and Christian holidays. Hope you all have time to celebrate in your own special way, even if it is as simple as showing kindness to your fellow man. Enjoy the clips... Peace out, Bitches.

Olympic Springboarding

"There's definitely going to be a deduction on that landing."

Cadbury Egg Cake

Now why didn't I think of that?

Find The Designer

Tough little game, but addictive.

Amazing Tree House

And great blog... check it out.

The Office, Pyramid Scheme

Great clip from an equally fantastic show.

Back from the trenches, Bitches...

2006-04-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that picture pretty much sums up my last week and a half. It's not a bad life, but I'm happy to be back in the comfort of my apartment and surrounded by the ones I love. I haven't missed the obnoxious "comments" rants on some of the blogs listed to my right, but nonetheless, it's good to be home. That is, it WAS good to be home until I received my week's mail.

Let's discuss THESE brilliant inventions. I'm sure you've seen them around. They are called Automated Traffic Enforcers and supposedly take pictures of people running red lights. Most of them have become so sophisticated that they snap multiple shots including a picture of the car at the traffic stop, running the light, the driver's image, and your license plate. Funny thing is, they are completely unconstitutional and have NO proven track record of stopping accidents. In fact, research has shown that accidents at intersections have INCREASED since their inception because the flashes from the cameras distract drivers.

Well, I was the proud recipient of one of these tickets ($350!). The real sham? If I want the points off of my license, I have to attend driver's education (for which I have to pay a fee ON TOP OF the $350 + school fees). This is a THIRD PARTY VENDOR servicing our community. The ticket is actually issued by the company who MAKES the machine who then turns it in to the local Police Department.

Now, I've been told I should fight the ticket because under state law I have the right to question my accuser (who, in most cases would be the police office who pulled me over). But because this was a MACHINE that took the picture and the third party vendor will not show up in court, the case SHOULD be dismissed.

There are numerous ways to fight this thing, and if anyone knows me they know I want to screw these people every way to Sunday, but I just don't think I have the fight in me. This is a complete scam, but I have a bad feeling they have closed a lot of the loopholes that used to exist. Thoughts?

Check out more on the scam that is Automated Traffic Enforcement HERE and HERE.

Regardless, on to today's clips. Hope they cheer you up as much as they did me:

Marimba Ponies!

OMG! This is my new favorite band. Check out the little one with the cymbals!

The Dish

K-Mo, this one is for you. Happy Birthday!

Acupuncturist's Chi Powers

Stick with it... well worth the ending.

Coolest Ads

Great blog!

Vampire Killing Kit

Holy crap! They really do sell everything on eBay!

Mousetrap on steroids

Someone has WAY to much time on his hands.

Blog it out, Bitches...

2006-03-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

This is the new saying, folks. Live it, love it, use it often. I cannot take credit, however. Our friends over at Urban Barbarian coined the phrase and it will catch on like wildfire after this post... guaranteed. I think I see a t-shirt business and new blog ideas brewing.
I am out of town all next week and won't be able to update (note, the "dead blog" time is TWO weeks!)... so here are a bunch of clips and findings to get you through. Peace out, bitches...

Superheros on the toilet

Not normally my style of humor, but this $h!t is funny!

Apeshit over N64

This was me... last year. Especially love the slow motion replays.

For my Taco Bell peeps

Probably a set-up, but executed so nicely. I would be PISSED!

Metronaps

This is SO for my friend, MV.

Heat Vision & Jack

The worst TV pilot ever made with Jack Black & Ben Stiller. And yet, brilliant at the same time.

Brilliant uses of Advertising

This one is for... begging children.

PLACE YOUR BETS, BITCHES.

2006-03-29T09:00:00.000-08:00

Alright, here's the deal.
Everyone has a blog.
And by everyone, I mean my shady little group of friends. So we here at TitsBitches have decided to make this little "blog game" interesting. We're a betting folk. Hell, we're a betting society. And we have devised a little game to see who is going to last the longest and who will die a miserable, bloggers death.*
The rules are simply: Place the following blogs in order from most likely to LIVE to least likely to go on. We're more than happy to listen to your reasoning (Lord knows you are good at THAT!). The winner will win a FANTASTIC TitsBitches piece of memorabilia as well as bragging rights to the game.
(*bloggers death will be defined as not having made a post in more than 2 weeks)

Scott Shaw's Blog

Our Family Music Blog

Megan Crane's Website

Friends, The Best Thing Money Can Buy

2006-03-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

You probably don't know this, but I have the coolest bunch of friends a guy could ask for. I know, I know... EVERYONE ALWAYS says they have the best group of friends, but I challenge them to a friends-off with my group. They don't stand a chance.
Take last night for example. Everyone was kinda doin their own thing, so I just started calling people at random and within an hour, had a friend from the valley and a friend from Pasadena sitting in a bar with me until they had to be at their previous commitments an hour later. Just after that, 4 more friends had called to say they were still wanting to come out and hang... so we did. We partied until about 2am, then called it quits. And it holds true for everyone in this inner-circle; (to quote my good friend MV) we could randomly draw names from a hat and that is the person you have to spend a day with... and it would work!
Sorry your friends suck... oh, and we don't begin taking applications until 2007. But it's worth the wait. Promise.
Happy Friday, Bitches. Some funny clips posted below!

Lucky Leprechaun

There are no words... no words for this madness.

The New Biathlon

Now THIS is what I call a sport!

Midget Breakdancing

I wish I could do HALF these moves...

Pierce Bush

If you can't sit through the whole thing, at least watch the beginning and the end. Wow... just, wow...

Michael Vogel's Blog

Make sure you check out The Daily Planet. Honoring everyday heros just like you and me.

Look Into My EyEs

2006-03-22T13:27:00.000-08:00

Schadenfreude is the art of taking pleasure in another person's pain. We all do it. Today was the ultimate test of trying to hold together my "schadenfreude-ness."
Has this every happened to you? You know what I'm talking about... you haven't gotten enough sleep the night before a big meeting in a small room where everyone's moves are seen. You think "I'll just close my eyes for two seconds (let's call it a prolonged blink), then open them right back up again." Problem is, time in YOUR world is not the time that everyone else is going by and you've magically dosed off. OR, you try scribbling on your notepad to keep yourself busy, and before you know it, a straight line has shot off of the page and you've been caught "bobbling your head." It's miserable. But when you are WATCHING it happen, it's like a trainwreck.
And what a show it was this morning! The unwilling participant in my spying was nodding-off pretty badly. I couldn't stop watching, but I also couldn't stop laughing (uncontrolable giggles, I tell ya). He was trying to hold his sh%t together, but couldn't keep his eyes open to save his life. He tried writing, but that plan was thwarted after the pen abandoned the weight of his body resting on it, nearly falling forward and cracking his head on the table. After the meeting I got a glimpse at his page and asked what he was taking notes on. He was caught. He lowered his head and walked out the door. No doubt to head back to his office for a little nappy-nap. Am I evil or just human?

New DaVinci Code Trailer

Good times until the WHAM, BAM, SLAM, WHAM, CLANK... you'll see.

Spiderman in training

Ouchy!

Video Game Revenge!

For the true geek

The 3-1-1, Bitches...

2006-03-21T13:30:00.000-08:00

We are always complaining about how horrible the driving conditions are here in Los Angeles. Sorry, guys... it's a way of life and you will never be able to change it. Until today.
I was driving down Crescent Heights towards Olympic this morning and a guy started playing chicken with me. I endulged him because, let's be honest, I was in the right and it was pissing him off. He cut me off once, so I called it quits. Only Jokey-Mcjokers wasn't done yet. No. He gets back over into the left lane, flicks me off, speeds ahead, cut me off AGAIN and slams on his breaks. Now I'm pissed. I calmly grab my notepad and paper and proceed to take down the guys info. But who the hell can I call? Think, think, think...
Then it hit me... the non-emergency Los Angeles City phone number, 311. Within moments I was transfered to a very kind woman who listened to my story and took down Mcjokers vitals. It put me at a sort of peace, but I wasn't done yet. I kept following the guy. Lucky for me, an LAPD APB must have been shot out quickly, cause within 5 minutes, he was pulled over and I continued the rest of my drive to work.
Should I have stayed with the copper and turned this guy in? Probably... but let's be honest, Mcjokers was crapping his pants... and late for work.

Scaretactics, Bigfoot!

Birthday Monday...

2006-03-20T19:00:00.000-08:00

No, not mine. My beautiful friend Sarah's! We had a knockdown, drag-out time to celebrate on Saturday night. Some of us even got to see the sunrise Sunday morning. We started the day with a picnic in the park where I got to act like a 3 year old again with the other 3 year olds who were brought to the party (very little acting I am afraid). WICKED karaoke was next at my place, where Sarah was required to sing the lead role the entire night. We ended up at Big Wangs in Hollywood for what turned out to be an interesting time. I won't disclose any of the nasty bits here, but we'll just leave it at "AK-WARD" and "INTERESTING."
I am so happy I inhereted my parent's cleanliness. I learned at a very early age that it is easier to just finish what you know you have to inevitably do. So in my fairly drunken, sleepy stupor, I cleaned my entire apartment at 5:30am. It was miserable. HOWEVER, waking up Sunday morning and walking out into a clean space was MAGICAL. So much so, I treated myself to a round of golf that afternoon.

CanukDawg Blog

My best friend's new blog... welcome to 2006, Scotty.

Hollywood Is Calling

A birthday gift idea for me...

Video Game Theatre

Behind the music, but for video games!

For all of my artist friends. Perhaps a new job idea for Dan?

My Space... and ONLY My Space

2006-03-16T19:00:00.000-08:00

Alright already. I've joined My Space... after much deliberation and prayer, I've decided I need to be wasting even MORE time on the internet, not only on this blog, but in another one as well. Expect your (nearly) daily dose of clips here still... I wouldn't let you down. If you feel like checking out MY space, link to it here. If not, then too bad... you're missing out!! :)
Bring on the clips!

QVC Live! Oops...

Best Escape Scene Ever!

The Kid From Brooklyn "Starbucks"

(language warning) This guy broadcasts weekly... he has a lot on his mind!

Top Ten Most Annoying Alarm Clocks

Monkey of a Day...

2006-03-10T13:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, we cannot get enough of MONKEY MAIL! I've sent about 50 of these things out already today. Try it... it's hysterical!
I'm headed across the country and return to LA in 24 hours. Loading up on Emergen-C and Airborne as we speak.
Keep it real, bitches. I'm outtie...

I dare you not to laugh at this! Baby laughs

Oprah kills the magic! Elmo Exposed

I can't get enought of this guy. Check out his other pranks as well. Bob from Accounting

Have a great weekend, my peeps!

SURVIVOR!

2006-03-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

How I have failed to mention that SURVIVOR is back for it's TWELFTH SEASON is beyond me. For those of you still denying this amazing piece of television, shame on you. If you are looking to join the phenomenon, this is the season to do it. Mystery, intrigue... this show has got it ALL! Remember to buy daddy something nice at the Survivor online store.
More reasons to put a speedbump in your boring day and entertain yourself below:

Tornado Kick!
Real Life Simpsons
Trampolines Suck
Unnecessary Censorship, Part II
Trampolines Are Cool
Classic "Saved By The Bell" FIght!
Billy Madison Court Decision
Unfortunate Polar Bear Animations

Tits Friday!

2006-03-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

It may be rainin', but I ain't complainin'. Gotta fun filled weekend planned for myself. How about you? If you are looking for something to do without getting wet, check out the Ashes & Snow exhibit going on now next to the Santa Monica Pier.
Have a great weekend, everyone!

Geocaching!
I need to get into this sport...

Most Annoying Voice Ever
I think this kid is ready for Idol. Thoughts?

Obscure Stories of the Day
Tits, Bitches site of the day!

It's Reality, Bitches...

2006-03-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

I am a reality show whore. Period. For those of you who missed THE AMAZING RACE premiere last night, shame on you. The two "best friends" John & Scott are such good television. I'm always going for the underdogs, so who wants to take the over/under with me on Dave & Lori or Fran & Barry?
Be sure to check out my new favorite game show, DISTRACTION on Comedy Central. Just read the description... TRUST ME it's worth your time!

On to the clips!

Shout Run
Not sure whether this is brilliant or the stupidest thing ever. I was laughing hysterically, but then again, that's me.

Obi Wan visits a car dealership
This is a classic bit of video... still makes me laugh to this day. WARNING: Ads are not safe for work/inappropriate.

Scared of her own Shadow
Okay, this is pretty mean. But funny. But REALLY mean...

I'm sick, bitches...

2006-02-28T13:30:00.000-08:00

Well, just getting over it actually...
Why is LA such a cesspool of disease? I wish I had an interesting story of how I GOT this cold/flu thing, like kissing a pornstar on her naughty parts or something, but alas...
Here are some daily clips + bonus clips to make up for yesterday's non-post:

Pow-Pow-Powerwheels! Gotta get me one of these suped-up models...
Invisibility Suit No way! See for yourselves...
Brokeback Mountain Parodies now all in one convenient location!
Ghetto Delta Commercial...This one is a classic!
Street Wars! Who's joining Team Tits, Bitches?!?!

Clips of the Day...

2006-02-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

Enjoy, kiddies!

This is one of the sickest RENO 911 clips. I think it is hysterically funny, but if you are sensitive to fake animal cruelty, I wouldn't watch.

American Idol fans will be interested to see that the twins everyone has grown to love posed for Maxim a few years back. I think only one has made it to the finals, though.

For my artistic friends, I give you Mac's new touchscreen computer. The trippiest and coolest thing I have seen in a while.

Also, ROCK OF AGES has been extended through the end of March. I cannot impress upon you enough to make sure you see this show. We are headed back ourselves!

Sempai Sez, Part II

2006-02-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

"On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? NO SENSI! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes..."

Happy Valentines Day, Bitches...

Carry On My Wayward Bitches

2006-02-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

This weekend was an F-ING rebirth. ROCK OF AGES, now playing at Vanguard in Hollywood, was single-handedly written for me and my 20 friends who came to rock out. Not only were we the first ones in line and drinking like we were at a REAL rock concert, but we were given lighters to help set the mood during appropriate songs. "Sister Christian", "Here I Go Again" and "High Enough" were definitely highlights. Catch it before it closes next weekend (although I hear an extension is possible).

Here are a few videos to get you through this lazy Monday...

I hope this doesn't happen to me in Tahoe:
Ski Whoops

White man CAN'T jump:
White Dunk

"One Year of Unnecessary Censorship"... Hysterical!
Unnecessary Censorship (wmv link)

Settle Down, Bitches

2006-02-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

Alright, alright... I'm back from the darkness. I've been stuck in Corporate America, a land I love so well, trying to keep the dreams and aspirations of artists held down and their voices unheard. Now all will return to normal on TitsBitches. Thank you all for visiting.

Listen up, bitches. It is my job on a daily basis to find funny, interesting, cool and thought-provoking clips on the internet. I would like to share some of my faves from the past week with you now. Eat it, bitches... eat it hard.

Totally, tits:
Scratch N Spin

In case anyone is looking for a birthday gift for me, this is what I want:
Powerisers

If you haven't seen this one, it is truly a classic... one of my all-time faves:
Winnebago Man

And my TitsBitches site of the week:
I Watch Stuff

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Sempai Sez

2006-02-10T13:30:00.000-08:00

This will be a daily/weekly posting of "Tits, Bitches Thought of the Day." It's a little segment we like to call SEMPAI SEZ.

Sempai Sez:
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."

Clubbing, Bitches

2006-01-26T08:00:00.000-08:00

Last night we celebrated the birth of a great friend by goin' dancin' and boozin'. We were a small but amazingly beautiful bunch (The Drama Queen, The Token, The Ninja, Red Bull, Chuck Norris). Not much more to say except I woke up with a wicked headache and thought a MEDIUM coffee from Starbucks could cure my ills. Mind you, I have not had caffeine in some time, so I am bouncing off the WALLS today. Maybe I'll write later after I come crashing down...

BTW: Anyone intersted in helping me move this weekend? A free TITS, BITCHES t-shirt or hat is in it for you if you do!

In the meantime, check out LECTURE MUSICAL from prangstgrup. It's a classic.
Lecture Musical

Tits, indeed

2006-01-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

The TitsBitches Blog has officially launched. Check back often... this party is about to get MENTAL. And TITS, BITCHES.